my internet has been shotty all week. it will be the same way next week. makes blogging not so fun. i typed this email out to someone late one night, and i'm cheating and posting it, cause i don't know how long i'll be able to be online.
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as i was just laying in bed trying to fall asleep my mind wandered to the bed time routine tonight. i'm always struck with how much i love my kids at bed time. maybe cause they're going to go to bed, and i know my day is almost done. or maybe cause they're clean and smell good. i don't know.
i had the urge to grab isaiah and hold him like a baby. looking into his face and feeling his body on me, i realized how big he was. not a hint of baby anywhere, not even toddler. boy, big boy looks were staring back at me. and i got this frantic feeling. like he was growing up to fast.
i've felt that basically since he was born, but tonight felt different. frantic, desperate, wanting time to stop. as i held him, i asked him if we would always be friends, actually i think i wanted to make him promise we'd always be friends. he replied matter of factly that we couldn't be, because he would have a wife someday. the breath was stolen out of me. when i could breath again, i quickly told him that even though he would have a wife, we could still be friends...it makes me want to bawl just recounting it.
the reality is, i'll lose him one day. he'll grow up and not need me, not want my attention at every moment. he'll love another woman, and he'll spend his life with her. and i'll be the one sitting and wishing he'd call.
when he went to brush his teeth i grabbed alaythia, sure she'd want me. but she squirmed and wiggled and i could only get a quick kiss in. and i thought of the fact that she'll probably hate me for most of her growing up years. that's how most mothers and daughters work...how sad. my heart hurts.
motherhood sucks. it really does. giving all of yourself, all of your energy. struggling to die to yourself everyday to make them prosper. if you do it right, they do prosper and then, one day, your kids will leave and you'll be left alone.
the really sucky thing is that in this moment i think about all the time i wasted today not looking in their faces, not paying attention to them, not playing and making memories. i worried about laundry and vacuuming and emails. i worried about makeup and getting there on time.
screw it. my time is so short. and i'm sad tonight, thinking about the reality of them leaving and not wanting or needing me anymore.
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9 comments:
OK, a couple things
-your descriptions are so good, I feel like I'm a mother and this experience is happening to me (reminder: I'm not a mother)
-you make some good and exhausting points
-God is pleased with those who delight themselves in Him. You are exceptional at seeing His course in a circumstance. Sp, persevere, as you are caring for His kids, on loan. The idea that 'He gives and takes', seems to always be associated with things related to death & money, but your post reminds me that He gives and takes in time measurements too. He gave you their infancy, He gave you Isaiah's toddlerness...and graciously, in turn, He's given you boy ness (etc.)..all the current stages.
-I did call my mom, yesterday. My mom and I have had a relationship for 35 years (my life). 25ish of those were rough. real rough. Today, my mom is one of my most favorite people. I see her in new lights and am humbled by her...and dig her! It is another testimony that God gives and takes...and gives whatever He wants. And restores whatever He wants.
-and, in closing... :)
might I suggest that you open a word doc and write your stuff off-line and then copy/paste it into your blog/emails when you're ready to send them? Someone suggested that to me about 5 years ago...changed my life (well, I've since replaced those rage filled 'are you kidding me? I just lost that entire email that I just slaved over?!' moments with other rage inducing impatience :))Seriously, it's easier (on you and your sanctification).
All in all, I love you and think you're super great!
Aw Natalie, but you will ALWAYS have Matt and he will ALWAYS want to be with you and talk to you and love you!! You are a great mom!
Natalie-
I just read this blog and ended with tears in my eyes. It brought back many memories of the past. Unlike you, I have lived most of the years of my life and can tell you that change is not always easy, sometimes it is painful, BUT what I have learned is that God is always faithful. He sustains you day by day.
When the days of child rearing are past, there can be some of the best rewards! It is wonderful to see your children become productive citizens who love the Lord. (that's what you are working toward)(And what about grandchildren?)Also you could gain two more wonderful children. (the mates of your children!!)
You propably won't remain #1 but you will still have your dear Matt,and it will always be special to be his #1.
Treasure all these years.
God bless you.
LaVonne
Nat-
I also wanted to say that you are doing a terrific job of being a mom. Isaiah and Alaythia are blessed to have such a loving and caring mom and especially one who loves the Lord!
xo
LaVonne
natalie, you write some amazingly touching posts. i have these same feelings.
~noelle
love this post nattie.
it is hard to have them slip away from you...but as they need you and want you less, it means that you have done your job well.
Hi, Sweetie!
I've been debating all weekend long whether or not to respond to this post, as empty-nesting is a subject near and dear to my heart these days. My middle boy, whom I spoke to nearly every day of his life, is now away at school, and I just spoke to him on the phone after a 1-1/2 week dry spell. He is doing so well, he didn't think he needed to call :).
We have a nephew on Garry's side, Ben. Ben was the oldest grandchild, and was a delightful, intelligent boy, normal in every way. However, when he was five, he suddenly developed double vision. He was diagnosed with a brian tumor, and was rushed into surgery. Although the tumor was benign, he sustained significant brain damage, as it took a great deal of effort to remove all of the huge growth. He was unconscious for a very long time, and his recovery was painfully slow. And nobody was able to predict just how much he would recover. Well, his development stopped at about age twelve. He is permanently disabled. He will never live on his own, get married, have children, grandchildren. He is a perpetual tween, emotionally. Now, he is a terrific young man; he volunteers at the hospital, takes the bus by himself, and is very good with computers. And he is a good son in every way. But he will never be truly independent. When I think about my boys growing up and moving away, I think of our nephew. As hard as it is, the alternative is a very, very hard road. And God will give you the strength to go through the goodbyes WHEN you need it, and not before :)
Love, Aunt Sandi :)
Natalie, I know I've said it along with so many other people, you have such a gift in the way you write. I was crying...and in fact cry regularly reading your blogs. I know exactly how you feel and the way you write brings clarity to what I feel as a mom with young kids. Thank you for sharing your gift, it is increadible!
Heather Schumacher
Natalie,
Don't do this to me! I know how you feel...Morgan actually put 2 words together today and I thought to myself.."NO!!! You are supposed to be little forever! I dread the teenage years too, but I agree with one of your friends that you are a great mom and i know your kids will always adore you, whether they always show it or not.
Love you!
Erin
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