a spring in our step

who knows what makes them do it. maybe it was from feeling left out all week. cousins and a brother running around, not being able to join them. maybe it was watching her cousin once removed (or auntie as we've been calling her), who is 6 months pregnant do jumping jacks in approval. whatever it was i really don't care. what matters is that alaythia decided to walk today! at about 6:20 pm.

we bought 'magic' shoes, we coaxed, bribed...nothing would work. but she just decided to do it tonight and it was all over. she walked the length of the house, outside...with the largest grin all over her face.

i feel lighter. i keep sighing. i feel like a new woman...and so does she.

i was so freaked out excited that i didn't even think to take pictures. but thankfully we're in a house full of family, and someone picked up their still camera, that takes videos, and shot some. so, here are her first steps....

olivia jewel

i have been silent for a while. and to be honest i'm not sure how to proceed. even now, as i sit staring at the screen my eyes fill. it's all been so sacred, the whole experience filled with God, i almost don't want to mess with it. but i loved olivia, i love her mom, dad and grandmother and want to share...

we've been waiting for olivia to arrive for months, as most communities do when a baby is on the way. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled for friends when they get pregnant, i celebrate and support them how i can. but, if i'm honest, i don't really engage with the baby until i can see them with my eyes. but olivia was different.

early on i felt a deep love for olivia. i couldn't wait to kiss her cheeks, the anticipation of her arrival making me giddy at times. many times i imagined her black hair and could see, in my mind, her sitting with her mom and grandma who have the same dark hair. i remember watching her family go to the communion table one sunday morning. the three of them arm in arm, intense and focused. i cried tears of gratitude at the family that she was about to join. so strong, so together -- i believe that now more than ever.

on wednesday, after getting updates on the labor all day, i heard the news that olivia had died...

and this is where i'm not sure how to proceed. i will never be the same.



olivia has changed me. as was said at her memorial, it was a life well loved. many loved her deeply. i believe that was God given. placing her deep in our hearts even before we saw her face and hands, lips and puggy nose. God burned her into our hearts because he knew we wouldn't have much time. and i'm overjoyed to say that i did get to kiss her...and see her black hair. sweet, sweet girl. oh how deeply thankful i am that your parents allowed this privilege to me.

olivia's father's bravery and leadership inspires me. watching from a distance as he led his family. he encouraged them, urging them to not be afraid. he strengthened them, proclaiming that they would get through the tragedy. and he led in vulnerability, giving all of us the freedom to grieve and mourn the loss of his daughter. not being able to stay silent, proclaiming his trust in Christ to all those around him.

olivia's mother's courage gives me hope. enduring days of intense labor, delivering olivia with determination and strength, grieving deeply with each new person that walked into the room. walking further and further down the isle at the memorial, almost eager to embrace each person in attendance, welcoming those who had come to honor her daughter. courage in grieving olivia and hoping for the future. courage to trust God with the present and for what is to come. words fall so very short of my admiration and love.

olivia's grandmother's faith bolsters my own. the pain of loss deep as ever. the loss of a granddaughter, watching the pain of her own daughter, all the while searching for God, knowing he was the anchor in a severe storm. stepping out to buffer what she could. facing the cold world when all you want is for everything to stop. doing it with grace, with determination, with dignity. ever looking to the horizon for what God is doing. speaking his truth to all she comes in contact with. oh to trust Christ so surely.



and all of this because of the one who is far greater than any of us can imagine. the Father of mercy and God of all comfort. to him be the praise forever.

orlando, florida

i'm not sure how this tradition started...but i know it started before isaiah was born. uncle steve and aunt dana would travel, and where ever they went, they would pick up some clothes for for isaiah. i remember this overall outfit they bought him before he was born, i used to stare at it all the time anticipating his arrival.

this last week the doorbell rang and there was a package for isaiah from uncle steve. he had traveled to orlando and picked up something for isaiah. we immediately put it on and took pictures...
the crazy thing is that recently isaiah has been building rocket ships and going into space...uncle steve didn't know this, as i don't tell him the ins and outs of our day. and yet, he bought this astronaut outfit and sent it to isaiah. thanks uncle steve and aunt dana...we love you!

just for the fun of it, here's another favorite from uncle steve and aunt dana.

gracie - the little white corolla that keeps giving

about eight and half years ago my grandmother passed away. she wasn't sick, she was young in grandma terms, she was vibrant and all about her family. she was taken in a car accident one afternoon - it was devistating to us all. at the time i was in college and i will never forget hearing my father's voice telling me over the phone and the emotions that followed. we all found our way to the bay area and all congregated at her house. stunned, grieving, trying to figure out how to keep moving without her.

she was the glue that kept us all connected. as we all stood some months later spreading her ashes we stood around and tried to convince each other, truly believing, that she loved each one of us the best.

even though her death was sudden and totally unexpected she had it all planned out for her children. to divvy up the belongings they were to play a game. each of her 5 children would draw a number out of a hat. whoever got #1 would pick first and so on down the line. re-pick numbers and do it again until everything was gone. she had a little white toyota corolla also. put the numbers in and whoever picked out the #1 got the car.

i forget who pulled the number. it wasn't my dad. but after they picked it, it was said that i should get the car. and so i came to be the owner of 'gracie'.

every car needs a name - her's was gracie. after the car accident i knew i needed grace while driving. and i got something i didn't deserve in that little car. i thought the name fit.

she was in perfect condition with 43,000 miles. every time i got in her i thought of my wonderful grandma. i drove her until i gave birth to isaiah. when matt and i bought our van, we decided to pass her on, as she had been passed to me. adam and emily had just gotten married. emily and mom came to l.a. to pick her up and drove her back to the northwest. she has been with adam and emily until this last weekend.

14 of us gathered together this past weekend for gracie to be handed down to another grandchild. my cousin austin gets his license in 19 days. adam cleaned her up, handed over the keys and signed the title, passing her on once again. we all went outside as austin saw her and drove her for the first time. the one stipulation put on austin, by his mother, was he couldn't change her name. the three, most recent owners, posed for a picture in front of her.

that night at dinner, as we toasted, one toast was to grandma and her provision to this family that continues to this day.