Wednesday, January 30, 2008

emotional day

i'm not even sure i can recount it. but here goes.

at 8:00 a.m. matt opened his computer to find that duke had responded. with our hearts pounding we FINALLY opened up the letter. it took a lot of coaxing to get him to even open it. 'were sorry to inform you' were the only words we needed to see. we both sat there, on the floor, hearing curious george in the background, and were stunned. a no. it felt weird to be on the other side of it. it felt weird to have a door closed. while we always knew it was a long shot, i think i always thought it would happen.

then the long road of trying to trust the Lord. trust and not despair. sounds dramatic. but it's been what we've been working for, for so long. and the first letter out the gate to be a no. made us think.

so matt goes about his day. thankfully he had car stuff to do. he didn't have to go and start studying. a distraction, something nice. or so we thought. the car didn't pass smog, repairing costing a fortune. but 10:00 we were thinking that surviving the day was going to be hard.

matt's cell phone rings, it's a weird number he doesn't recognize. he doesn't pick up...they dont' leave a message. after much convincing he calls the number just to say 'i had a missed call.'

it was wheaton. they had tried to send him an email and it was returned. they were sending him an email to invite him to the next stage...to come and interview with them for a spot. i could tell in his eyes. i grab isaiah, squeeze him hard. matt gets off the phone and we cry. overwhelmed with God's goodness. in timing, in opportunity. God is good to us. even the order in which we got things today.

they have assured us they were sending an email immediately. we open up the computer to find a letter, inviting matt to come interview...but it wasn't wheaton. it was southern! 'this is not an acceptance, space is limited'... oh, southern isn't for sure. but did he hear the lady on the phone wrong? was she from southern instead?

minutes later another email pops through, wheaton. in black and white. they've asked 15 students to come and interview for the positions open this year. matt will be one of them.

travel arrangements are being made. schedules are being adjusted. wheaton interviews first, a week later southern. add 2 birthdays and that makes for a full february.

trinity is the only school we did not hear from today...but i guess i haven't checked the mail yet.

Monday, January 28, 2008

date day

as a christmas present from matt and laura, matt got 2 tickets for he and isaiah to go to a blazer game. yesterday was the big day. while going to a pro game is electric enough in and of it's self, the talk was mostly about the food. daddy spending lots of money on crappy food...now that's something to look forward to!

i was so excited for the boys to have a day where they went out alone. that doesn't happen much...actually, never. i was filled with a sense that it should become a priority. date days for each kid, alone with both or one of the parents. isaiah was completely beside himself all day. we could not control him, he was just so excited. they rode public transportation and arrived at the game early to catch all that they could.

eating french fries, ice cream and watching a high school band play were the highlights. not to mention blaze, the mascot, dunking the ball. my heart was full as i watched them drive away and as i saw their happy faces when they returned.

yes, date day has been solidified. and thanks to matt and laura for making it happen!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

recap

i've been buried in snot, seen 3 different doctors. medicine and kleenex, the next round of referrals. i missed putting my kids to bed 3 times this week. and no, we have not heard from any school. all my creativity has been coughed or blown out. thus no blogging, no emailing...no groceries and no clean underwear. moving my life in boxes and falling asleep at a party.

i've been out of it, or too far into it.

Friday, January 18, 2008

first day of school

i don't know who was more nervous...actually i do know. it was me. he woke up so happy. today was the day and he was ready. he wanted to do everything himself, help make the french toast, put on his own coat. he was feeling like a big boy and it was obvious. he even posed for several pictures for me...which we all know is nearly impossible these days.

























we went shopping for schools supplies yesterday. i'm pretty sure he dumped the bag out, looked at everything, said what it was and then put it back at least 10 times. here, he has his backpack in one hand the the famous 'target bag' of supplies in the other. we got in the car and i took a deep breath. we said a prayer. thankful for the day, thankful for the opportunity...and that's when mommy lost it....for the first time.




















when we got to school he wanted to not only wear his backpack, but wanted to push his little sister in her stoller all by himself. we checked in, he waited patiently. then we walked back to his class. as we waited for his teacher he wanted to know again if i would be there. no, i would go home and come get him later. as the other mother's dropped off their kids, and blocked the doorway he looked up at me and said, 'mommy can i go now?'














i took a deep breath, knelt down, gave him several kisses and said yes. and off he went. he walked straight into his class, greeted by his teacher. he didn't even look back. in fact when i walked in the class to give over the school supplies he looked at me like, 'mom, you're not supposed to be here!' i knew i really needed to go.

his teacher said he did great, and he loved talking about all the things he did....i can't believe i have a preschooler.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

4 days over due

i know it's say what wednesday....but i'm thinking about changing it. i have a friend that does wordless wednesday...just a picture. i don't know. i'm distracted, thinking on other things. making 'big' decisions for the blog will have to wait.

i feel like i'm 4 days overdue and waiting to go into labor. knowing that at any minute my life could change, altering it's course forever. and so i wait. is this the moment? i find myself daydreaming about what it will be like. will we celebrate? will we sit in silence?

yes, it's past january 15th which means we're officially in that time of "mid to end of january". at any moment we could hear from wheaton or duke about PhD programs. may not seem like a big deal to you. but it's been a dream for so many years, it's where the next several years of my life will be spent.

i'm completely distracted, thoughts elsewhere, going through life in a fog. the only thing that brings me back to this moment is the fact that my son starts school tomorrow....more on that later.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

how much more God

we were heading out to run some errands. isaiah climbed in the van as i was strapping alaythia in. isaiah did what he wasn't supposed to do and climbed over the seat spilling water. i told him to get in his seat and that he was going to be punished for disobeying. well this threw him into hysterics. screaming, saying no. i told him there would be more consequences if he told me no again. as i walked to the other side of the van i could hear him screaming.

i walked over to him, told him what his consequence was and with huge alligator tears he said, 'show me mercy mama! i want mercy instead!' he continued to cry and look right into my eyes. i felt a huge lump rise in my throat. i wanted to bawl. i stared into his eyes intensely... again, 'show me mercy mama! please i want mercy instead!' he'd never asked for it before. i've given it to him in the past, explained it, but he's never asked. this was a first.

at that moment, as i was looking into my son's eyes and he was asking, begging, crying, there was nothing more in the world i wanted to do. i told him i would.

shocked and trying to swallow the lump in my throat i climbed into the front seat. i was overwhelmed with what had just happened. in that moment when he was crying, looking to me and begging for mercy i couldn't help but think of all the times i've asked for mercy and grace from God. while God always does give me mercy and grace, i think deep down i've always believed he's ticked he has to give it again. he's frustrated that i haven't learned by now. he's growing tired of me and my disobedience.

but when i looked at isaiah in that moment, him asking for mercy, my mind was not flooded with all the times he's climbed over the seat and how many times i've told him not to. i wasn't frustrated that again i was going to forgive him for what he had done. no, in the moment all i wanted to do was grant him mercy. my heart was aching, longing to do it. i couldn't wait to give it.

and how much more God. infinitely merciful, loving, forgiving and faithful. i don't think that isaiah understands fully what mercy is, but i think he understands more today than he did yesterday...me too.

honorable mentions

we have a lot of pictures from christmas, but here are a few that i thought were to good to pass up.
the 'open mouth kiss'. i love 'em. until she tried to slip the tongue that's where i draw the line.

the godshall generations...priceless.
the cousins. isaiah's very cooperative, can you tell?
alaythia loves ashley's piercings...playing with them that is. here she pulls. freaks me out, but ash doesn't mind.

this is classic...a cart full of stuff at the airport, with a little thomas backpack on. i had to laugh!

as you will see, i tried very hard to get a picture suitable to send in a christmas card. isaiah would not have any part of it. he would freak, causing alaythia to freak. so i gave up on him and took some just of the girls. below you will see just one of the freak outs.

here was a successful attempt...but not enough time left before the holiday to send out cards.
the complete bunch is here, just in cause you haven't reached your quota.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

from a different angle

i don't look at the pictures, i don't look up, i just look at the words on the page. i read as fast as i can, getting through as much as i can in the shortest amount of time. i'm sure if i ever picked up one of the books (that i've read 100 times) and didn't read the words, but looked at the pictures, it would seem like a brand new book.

tonight i didn't read the book. i was sitting next to matt and isaiah as they read. alaythia was asleep in my arms and instead of looking at the words, i looked at isaiah. his little face. i don't know that i've seen his face when he reads a book. i studied his lips. little peaks on the top lip. his nose...not sure if it will be big one day, but it's perfect now. his eyes. i can see them move from illustration to illustration. every once in a while he'll look up at matt. random times. i couldn't figure out what made him look.

i don't see him still, intense, concentrating. the very seldom times he is doing that, i'm not staring at him. tonight i saw him from a different angle. and i watched in wonder. he's a beautiful, smart, intense little boy. tonight i could hardly believe that was isaiah before me. and i'm with him every day.

alaythia's walking around now with a walker. it's crazy to see. just yesterday she took off. pushing her wooden cart around. she's so proud of herself. she walks and then stops and looks into my eyes for approval. i gush. i'm still not quite ready to leave her side. i'm afraid it will get going to fast and her little legs won't be able to keep up. or she'll run into something and lose her balance. last night matt was helping her around the room. i was in the kitchen getting dinner ready when i saw her. my little alaythia, standing all by herself (with her wooden help). babbling, walking...her little toosh, her short little legs. doing such a big girl thing and yet with the backdrop of the room she looked so small. i'm not usually far from her when she stands. but last night i was. i saw her from a different angle. and while she's growing faster than i can imagine, she's still so incredibly small.

i get used to seeing these faces. i become accustomed to their size and behaviors. i'm thankful for the occasional different angle to bring me back to the wonder of who these people really are.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Say What?! Wednesday

i've been looking into pre-schools for isaiah. he's almost three, but really i think it would be good for him socially to be with kids on a more regular basis. mommy and sister just aren't cutting it.

i asked him if he would want to go to school, which of course is highly appealing to him because going to school is such a huge part of his daddy's life. he hears us talk about wheaton (wheat thin as he likes to call it) and duke most often. these schools are the norm for him.

today we were driving home from an outing and i asked him if he would want to go to school, have his own teacher, classroom and friends. he remarked that he only wanted to go if he could ride the bus. i told him that this particular school doesn't have buses and that unfortunately i would have to take him and drop him off at his "preschool". he quickly responded, 'well the only school that i want to go to is Duke.'

that's what we're hoping for isaiah, that's what we're hoping for.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

this is blogging material

we just finished dinner. grandma made stew and the only way i could get isaiah to eat it was to feed it to him like a baby. yes, i talked to him like a baby, cut the food into small bites, and clapped and said 'yay' for him when he took a bite. on the other hand, my real baby fed herself. also eating stew, but elbow deep, shoving it into her face. halfway through the stew my 3 year old baby said that when he was done he was going to let me put him down on the floor and he would crawl around. sure, whatever it takes to get you to eat dinner without drama.

--

grandpa started a new job and therefore had to give his company car back. so the past few days he's been looking for cars. today he picked out several cars, all jeep, and then went driving to find them. half way through dinner he walked in the door and came to the table. grandpa started telling us about all the different cars, what he liked what he didn't. finally isaiah said, 'grandpa, what are you talking about?' grandpa told him that he was looking at cars, then showed him a picture and said, 'what do you think?' silence. grandpa then asked 'what does it look like?' isaiah froze, stared at the picture of the jeep and then said, 'well, it looks like an all terrain vehicle to me.'

Friday, January 4, 2008

lovie dovie

alaythia grace is over 10 months old now...hard to believe. her little personality is so amazing. she is a pure joy to be with. relational, interactive and just plain joyous. a few things that i love about her right now...

-she loves to give kisses, big open mouth kisses. and if you ask for one, she'll willingly give it.
-she is our little trash compactor. any little thing that is on the floor, it goes into her mouth. hard on mommy for many different reasons. one being realizing how dirty my house really is.
-like her brother she loves a penguin. happy feet is isaiah's #1. she got a little red penguin from starbucks this holiday season, and many times once she's been put in bed you can hear her talking and playing with her penguin.
-she loves to sing. as she's been sung to before she goes to bed she sings along. and just yesterday she crawled over to our little tiger piano and started banging and singing. melted my heart.
-she has learned to socially laugh. if we laugh, she laughs. it's this machine gun type of laugh that goes until she's completely out of breath. and she's learned that people like it...which only eggs her on more.
-she's inherited my lungs. when she gets super excited (usually about food) she'll let out a high pitched shriek. yes, i am getting what i'm due.
-most meals she out eats her brother. christmas night i'm sure she had more prime rib than i did.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

holiday recap

december 21st really? is that how long it's been since my last post? to my faithful readers i'm sorry. the holidays, lots of family, travel...all to much for blogging.


how to sum up the holidays? where to begin. it was filled with lots of family with the hendrix gathering for the actual day and then us heading to california to be with the godshall's.


the kids:
they were both showered with gifts, play time and attention over the holidays. they got great time with all of their family. but last night i realized that my children have a warped sense of reality.

we knew we had stayed at papa and gg's long enough when our sweet boy stopped being grateful for the immense amount he was being given. and when in response to how they were ever going to live without him he said, 'well, sorry, i have to go.' we were sad to leave papa and gg's but a little kid can only live in the 'center of the grandparents world' so long. or so i thought.


as we walked out of the airport last night i could see grandma in the front seat of the van bouncing and waving both hands as fast as she could...showing just how eager she was to see him. it was then that i realized that he actually wasn't leaving the 'center of the grandparent world'. he just changed grandparent worlds.


matt:
it was a much needed break for matt. when matt's in the middle of things breaks do not come easy. it was great for all of us to see him have time to let down, play video games, read some of his new books he got for christmas and just be. he's back in the swing of thing, one more application to get in this week and then we'll just wait.


me:

as i think about my holidays it was filled with me finding out more about myself. as i live in my world of staying home with my kids, running a household, mostly just being me and my kids, there are things about myself that i don't encounter on a daily basis. but put me with extended family and different things start to come out. i wrestled hard, invited matt in and tried to reach some conclusions. i'm not done, but i'm grateful to the Lord for bringing things to my attention.