night three

we're going on night three of isaiah not sleeping with his blankie.  i know, i probably shouldn't be posting for the world that at 7 and a half he still sleeps with a blankie.  but by the time he knows about this blog he'll be fine with it.  (hi isaiah!)

he's never taken his blankie places, he's never carried it around the house.  it stays in is bed, on his pillow.  and each night before bed he lays it out perfectly flat and centered and then lays his head down on it.  i haven't felt much need to 'wean' him off of it, because it's not a big deal, it's not something honestly that i think about at all...until a few nights ago.

it was time for bed and as has happened a thousand times before, he asked where it was.  and EVERY TIME for seven and half years, i've always been able to find it.  but three nights ago, i couldn't.  it was the perfect storm of sisters who had gotten on his bed that day and wrecked it to bits and a season and size change of clothes strewn ALL OVER the floor.  and so we looked, and we looked and couldn't find it. 

he was teary, we promised to keep looking and that surely we would be back in the room in a few minutes and have it for him.  but, we never did find it.  last night the same thing, ready for bed and oops!  where is blankie?  still nothing, he slept again, we promised to keep looking (and get all the clothes off the floor the next day).

so this afternoon i went back into the abyss to start putting my organized piles away.  and as i sorted i shook every piece of clothing knowing i would see the blue and white square blanket, with a yellow duck in the middle.  as i sorted, isaiah stayed in the room helping and picking up.  the closer i got to putting everything away, the more i started to panic.  and then, when i was sure, i said, 'well buddy, blankie isn't here either.'  he looked up at me, stared for a second and then said, 'don't worry mom, it's okay.  really, it is.  if i found it i would probably just let one of the girls sleep with it anyway.  i don't really need it anymore.'

and that's when the lump in my throat rose fast and my knees felt weak.  my little boy-man just told me that it really wasn't a big deal to have the blankie he has slept with every night of his his ENTIRE life.

he doesn't need it, but somewhere in me I still needed him to need it. 

there was no denying it, so i just spoke it straight.  i looked him in the eye and said, 'i'm going to cry.'  he asked me why and i told him it was a big boy thing, he was growing up, and it is catching me by surprise.  then i asked him to come and hug me and i kissed his head over and over and cried.  he was unphased, i was a wreck. 

tonight at bed he didn't even ask for it.  i wanted him to.  i waited for it.  but he never did.  i will find that blanket, i know i will.  but i guess instead of sneaking it back into his room, i'll tuck it away, making it an official keepsake of isaiah's childhood.

annual fall festival

last night we attended the seminary's fall family festival.  it was the 5th year we've attended.  5th year!!!  i dare say it is the most traditional thing in our family's life.  heck, we've been going every year since before sophia was born!  the first two years we were living at the seminary and walked up with all of our neighbors.  the first year we had no idea what to expect, and were so blown away by all that they had for us to do.  the second year a larger group of neighbors headed up as it was the 100th anniversary of the seminary and it was rumored to be a great time.  sky divers and fireworks shows did not dissappoint.

the third and fourth year we went with dear friends, who have since moved and are doing other things.  i spent a good part of last night remembering and thinking about all the families we have met in our time here that are no longer living near us. all the wonderful people who have now moved on and are scattered about the country.  mississippi, pennsylvania, vermont, illionois, indiana, georgia, arizona.  we could go anywhere in the U.S. and have someone to visit!

last night i looked forward to going just the 5 of us.  to holding matt's hand and watching our kids play.  from being pregnant, to pushing strollers, to not even going with a diaper, i anticipated it would be a freeing night to sit back and watch the kids play.

bounce houses and slides.  cotton candy and pony rides.  cowboy hats and funnel cake.  it was a great night.  and as we left, our sugared up kids thanked us profusely for taking them.

half way through the night the president addressed everyone, thanking everyone for coming.  he talked about why they throw such a bang up party every year.  part of the reason is solely for the kids.  to give them a good time in the hopes that when they think back to the 'time when mommy or daddy was in school' it will be filled with good memories.  remember it as a happy time.

i appreciated him saying that, but as i thought of my own kids, about their experience here in kentucky, i realized they would never think of it as 'the time daddy was in school'.  it's just their life.  for sophia and alaythia, all of their memories, all and the majority of their lives have been in kentucky.  and we have a great life here.  isaiah already laments the idea of leaving. 

maybe it was the extravagance of last night.  maybe it was the back drop of the beautiful buildings of southern seminary against the kentucky sky.  or maybe it was 5 years.  the tradition, the people, the familiarity.  if matt doesn't get me out of here soon...i just might stay.

jump

after five and half years of life the things i'd tell you i know, and have learned, about alaythia are:

-she marches to the beat of her own drum.  she is not swayed by what others think....at all.
-if she doesn't want to do something, she absolutely is not going to do it.  no matter what.
-she is SLOW to warm up.  be it people, a new experience, or a new task.  she may get there eventually, but you can bet it's gonna take a long long time and be on her own terms.

i know these things are great qualities.  i know that in the long run, they are qualities i want my daughter to have.  not care what other think of her, not do something unless she wants to, not be swayed into making a decision, to think it through and take her time.  but i'll be honest - raising a daughter with these qualities is not always easy. 

for all the struggle that these qualities have caused, i must admit that in the last 3 weeks, i have become completely taken with them.  completely fascinated in watching her - be true to herself.

she is deathly afraid of going underwater or being in the water without a floatie.  she was recently in swim lessons, and i watched her push herself like i have never seen her do before. and as a result, just yesterday, she decided she wanted to jump off the diving board into the deep end of the pool.  it was her idea and she went over and stood in line to let it be her turn.

there were about 10 kids using the board, going off in perfect rhythm.  parents were cheering their child on as each did a 'trick' as they jumped.  and then came alaythia.  her first time on it.  she walked to the end, her dad paddling below her.  she stood there.  waited.  bent her knees and stood back up.  she stood there for at least 5 minutes.  she didn't care what the other kids were thinking.  she didn't care how her dad was coaxing her.  she didn't care how long it took.  she stood and pondered.  she eventually walked back to the end of the diving board unable to jump.  but to my surprise, she didn't come to me in the shallow end,  she got back at the end of the long line of kids.  the rhythm started up again.  jumping, splashing, cheering.  then alaythia, slowly, quietly walks to the end.  she stands, unashamed, unaware of anyone else.  she tries yet again and is unable to jump.  as she decends the board, she again goes to the back of the line.  the third time proves to be the same scenario, except this time she comes to me instead of getting in line.

she lets all her pent up tears out and i'm telling her how hard she pushed, how much progress she made.  how it's okay, next time we come she can try again.  and through her sobs i hear her say, 'i want to do it so bad mom, but i'm so afraid'.  i tell her how she should be proud, her dad walks up fresh out of the deep end and tells her she has made huge strides.

and then, as if hit with a bolt, she pulls her head off my shoulder, stops crying, turns and walks back to the deep end and gets in line.  her dad and i stare at each other, completely at a loss, and he runs back to the deep end to get in.

she had made up her mind.  she was pushing herself.  she didn't care that she had been out there before, or that all the other kids were watching her.  she wanted to do it and wasn't going to be stopped by fear.  and she did it.  she walked to end, stood there for a few seconds...and jumped in.  i wish i could have recorded the uproarious cheering that went on by every single person in the pool area.

and i cried.  not because i was relived, not because i was proud.  but because i saw in her, in that moment, in my 5 year old daughter, everything i want to be.  not on others time tables, not swayed but what others might think of me.  not choosing to do something because someone wants me to, but because i want to.  i want to be able to think it through, weigh it, go slow.  and when i'm good and ready, and still very afraid, look my fear in the eye, decide it won't stop me.

and jump.

sleep

i should be in bed.  i should be asleep.  but i fell asleep on the couch earlier in the night as the boys were doing their draft for fantasy football and it was enough to keep me from falling asleep now.  just enough sleep to trick my body into thinking it needs to be up.

i lay down and my mind is racing.  the milestones passed, the family who is hurting, the friends who are mad, why did that person call?  and so i get up to return to a place to write it down.  somewhere i haven't been in months, but find myself wanting to come back to. 

my sweet alaythia started kindergarten last week.  the long awaited time when she too would get to go to school.  she was so ready, so happy.  in fact the second day of school she was completely dressed (shoes and all) by 6:15am.  i'm one of those people that processes before something happens.  the weeks leading up to a big event i'll spend hours and hours working through all my issues, every scenario.  and when the time comes i'm ready, i'm present, i've got it all worked through in my head.  but my life has not lent itself to that in the weeks leading up to alaythia's first day of school.  it's been hectic and i've only been able to thinking about the next most urgent mountain to climb.  and so that is why on the way to school that first morning i cried.  why after i walked her into class i cried.  why i continued to cry all day.  i was so happy and she was so ready.  but i was caught off guard.  i had to mourn a season of her life being over and rejoice at a new one beginning.  cry good tears of a rich full life that i lead.

our baby turned three a few weeks ago.  not a baby anymore, but as i like to whisper in her ear every so often, she'll always be my baby.  since february when every other sibling in the house got a birthday sophia has prayed and thanked God, each night at dinner, that she was going to have a birthday and that she was going to be three.  and boy i was not going to disappoint.  i wanted to do it up big and do it up right and celebrate sophia to the max.  it was her first birthday that she KNEW it was her birthday.  balloons and the color blue.  singing and facetime.  presents and friends.  she spent the day dancing through each event, giddy with all that surrounded her.  i cherish sophia, always have.  i soak up her everything because she'll be the last to do it.  and i'm so grateful for her.  on the morning we dropped matt, isaiah and alaythia off at school she held my hand as we walked out of the school and as i cried she did a happy dance that we were going to have a 'date day' all day long.  and she was a salve to my heart.  a gift and reminder of the sweet toddler girl i now get alone time with.

 life keeps happening, things keep moving forward.  and i'm grateful.  thankful.  these people that God has given me to live life with are really extra-ordinary!

first and last

 it's the last day of 1st grade for isaiah.  when he comes home to me he'll officially be a 2nd grader. 

first day of school

today, on his last day

i'm so grateful for a fabulous year.  we had so much fun in 1st grade.  we were in a great groove and it was just plain fun!  when our school opens next year we'll have two official students...they are already talking about how to organize their desks. 

new camera

for my birthday my brother-in-law and sister-in-law gave me a nikon D40.  our nikon SLR broke last summer and we were told it would be more expensive to repair it than to just buy a new one.  well, that was not in the budget right now, so we have been making due with our iPhones. 

so you can imagine my utter shock when i opened this on my birthday.  we have been absolutely loving taking photos...real photos.  i thought i would share some of my favorites.

concentration in the backyard

swinging at the park

resurrection sunday

blowing bubbles

minutes after losing her first tooth

so handsome

practice swing for teeing off

(he's on the golf team at school again this year)

never again

there are few things in life that i hate.  but i'll readily, without hesitation, tell you that i absolutely HATE potty training.  in all of parenthood it is the thing i fear and dread more than anything else.  i'm not being dramatic.  i'm being serious.  that's how i feel about it!

i think when i was trying to potty train alaythia i commented on here that i didn't care if she walked down the aisle in diapers.  and i was serious then too.  so i have not pushed it with sophia.  grandma always makes comments to sophia on facetime about being a big girl and being ready to go on the potty.  and she probably was.  but it was mommy who wasn't ready.  i wanted sophia to wake up one day and tell me she was ready to not have diapers anymore.  when that day came, THEN and only then would i begin the process.

so why in the world did i decide on sunday afternoon that sophia was going to start potty training the next morning?

maybe it's because i felt i needed to do something really hard, since matt too was doing something really hard that day.  he had a chapter of his dissertation due that day, and i can do nothing to help him, i'm helpless.  he has a huge mountain to climb, something he often times feels he can't do.  so what in my life is like that?  potty training.  maybe deep down i felt the need to conquer a mountain too.

that said, i really can't take credit for it.  it's thursday morning, just the beginning of day 4 and i'm typing the words - sophia is potty trained.  that proves that indeed she was ready and we all know, there really is nothing we can do in the process.  they have to decide they're going to do it.  but with no accidents, and waking up with a dry diaper this morning, i'm feel confident to say it.

and as the reality continues to set in, i realize that i NEVER AGAIN will have to potty train a child.  the mountain is forever conquered.  and more astonishing yet, seven and half years straight of changing diapers is coming to an end.

measurable

in my line of work there are not many days that are measurable.  sure i make progress everyday...the dishes get done, the laundry is washed and folded.  (if it gets put away that's a fantastic day!)  but when i wake up the next day there are more dishes to be done and the laundry has multiplied once again.  i've said it here before, life is routine and cyclical.  when you're in the trenches, it's hard to see the progress that's being made.

but yesterday was a measurable day.  and i know they are few and far between.  so even though my back hurt, i was completely exhausted and it took an hour longer to put the kids to bed than normal, i was happy last night.  not a jump up and down kind of happy, but a deep inner joy.  a satisfaction and gratitude.  gratitude for the measure, for the marker, given by God to help me remember.  a boost to keep going. 

5 years

in january when we were talking about birthday parties and themes alaythia threw tons of ideas out. when we were done brainstorming she stopped, looked me in the eye and said, 'i want a surprise party! i want to walk in the door and have everyone yell surprise'. and so we quit talking about it. every once in a while i would ask her, 'well, if you had a party who would you invite?' or while at costco i would say, 'if you were going to have a birthday cake from costco, which one would you choose?' and for activities i would bring up some activities we could possibly play if she had a party and she would give the okay or the veto.

and will my gathered information i sent invites out and planned a surprise party for alaythia's 5th birthday.

i must admit, i was on edge the whole time. i REALLY wanted this party to happen. i wanted to celebrate her and celebrate her big. but with little ones you just never really know what life will bring at you. but the day came and matt and i put our plan into action.

matt had mentioned to her weeks earlier that he wanted to take her on a date for her birthday. she talked and looked forward to this from the moment he mentioned it. so about 2 o'clock, on her actual birthday, they headed out on their daddy-daughter date.

as soon as they left isaiah and i went into full swing getting the house ready. we decorated the house, got dinner ready,

set up, cake out and when the time came, the several families we invited, gathered in the living room to wait for her arrival.

when she got home i told her to come into the living room so we could talk about her date and when she rounded the corner she came to a screeching halt when everyone yelled 'surprise!' i thought she might cry, but she didn't. she held onto my leg a bit until she got her bearings and then she was ready to party!

we had dinner, destroyed yet another pinata,

watched a slide show of her first 5 years of life (seen a few posts back), and opened presents. we ended the night well into dark, with several of the kids outside twirling glowsticks in the night.

it was a perfect night to celebrate my alaythia and all of her 5 glorious years. she is so full of life, she is a deep (and random) thinker, she is nurturing, joyful, determined and oh-so-ready for kindergarten.

i know i've said it before on this blog, but still, even after 5 years of life with her, i find myself staring at her in wonder. wonder at the gift that she is and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she is my daughter. she surpasses any ideas i once had and is such a rare treasure.

7 years

i know that february is busy. i prepare mentally for it. but i must admit february of 2012 took everything out of me. we had a great valentine's day, but just a few days later we threw a spy party for isaiah.

here is matt with our trainees. he is explaining the obstacle course where we were testing their agility. my favorite part about this time was as matt was explaining this he told them that he would demonstrate because, 'he was the only one who was a super agent spy.' at this point, one of the party attenders piped up and said, 'well...and my dad too right?' this little guy's dad flies cobra helicopters in the military and actually led the initial push into fallujah. matt and i laughed hysterically when joshua said this...yes joshua, your daddy is for real.


when we were done testing them they were all given a sheet with pictures of objects in the neighborhood. as a spy they were supposed to always be aware of their surroundings. i meant this to be just a simple cool down as we headed back to the house. but they were so excited about this activity - working as a team they were done in minutes.


we came home to weapons training. they were paired up and shot nerf darts at the glass door with a target drawn on. we went several rounds in this as the boys could not get enough...until we were told a double agent had planted a bomb in the house that we had to shut down.


we told them they had 12 minutes to have the buzzer hit 8 times in order to turn the bomb off. we set the bomb in the back bedroom and put a taboo buzzer in front of it. each attendee had to get through the hall of lasers without being touched.


once the bomb was turned off we had to take it in the backyard to destroy it. this bomb however was filled with treats!


it was a lot of fun to celebrate isaiah and his turning 7. and he is worth the celebrating. his wit, his sensitivity, his leadership, his care for others, his love for Jesus, his endless amount of energy. as he continues to grow i continue to be overwhelmed with all that he is, and the joy and blessing it is to get to live life with him.

sorry for that last post...i was trying to post the video i made for alaythia, but couldn't figure out how to get it to show up correctly. apparently i didn't delete it like i had thought. this link should take you to the actual video on youtube where you can see the whole thing....

first annual godshall valentine's day

valentine's day i hope was the start to a new tradition in our family. february is so busy for me, with two birthdays...that naturally i signed up to do the valentine craft in isaiah's class too!

i took the girls with me and they loved getting to be in isaiah's class and get to see daddy teaching. sophia sat on isaiah's lap for the activities and alaythia helped pass everything out. once the kids had passed out their valentine cards

we headed to the lunch room to eat with one of our favorite boys.

we loved being at the school together.

several months ago i read a book by andi ashworth called, 'real love for real life' and she had some great ideas regarding valentines day and how to make it a family event. it was a great night as a family, sharing our love for each other.

we had a fancy candlelit dinner. they loved eating off china and drinking out of stemware. we all shared about our days even little soph shared about getting to go to daddy's class.


when dinner was over we headed to the living room where we all began our love note reading. those of us that could write had written notes to every other member of the family. we took turns standing up on the piano bench and reading to each person.

the person being read to sat in the chair in the middle of the room.


since alaythia and sophia can not write yet, they stood up and told each person why they loved them. alaythia's revolved around playing with her, soph simply said, 'i love you bro bro.' or 'i love you mama.' so sincere, so sweet.

needless to say this time ended in tears... it was such a rich time of being purposeful and expressing our love to each other. i saved all the letters and hope to each year so that we can keep a record of our love notes over the years.

we played some valentine games. a 'minute to win it' candy obstacle course, a maze and we ended the night shooting cupid's arrows onto a heart (q-tips out of straws) but that soon turned into a shooting war. which actually was quite fun.

i love that the day was not just about me and matt, but being together as a whole family, expressing our love to each other. i am blessed to get to live with this crew of people!

best days of my life

it's very rare when life goes as planned. usually, in our house, we're just trying to keep up with the chaos. trying not to be swallowed by the insanity.

i read a blog the other day that talked about how older women come up to us mom's in the thick of toddler-hood and say, 'enjoy these days, these are the best of your life'. and how we're so freakin' tired and just want them to go to bed that it just heaps more guilt on us that we're not enjoying 'the best days of our life'. this blogger suggested that looking forward to bed time is okay - and even normal. and that what matters is to be in the moment. to take the rare moments of pure bliss and burn them into your mind. and that really, those are the things that stick. those are the moments we'll remember. and that's why one day we'll probably turn to a haggard young mom and tell her 'she's in the best days of her life'.

isn't it funny how once something is said aloud, pointed out, or given words you just couldn't find - how it just changes your perspective?

last night we had one of those 'moments'. it was a truely restful sunday. we all fell asleep at one point or another during the day. we played games, we cleaned the house, we played wii together.

we sat down for dinner and there was no complaining. no one commented how they didn't like the food. no one spilled their milk. they passed with manners, they ate all their food and asked for seconds. and when we were just about done eating, isaiah picked up the bible.

matt usually reads to us at dinner, but without even asking isaiah picked it up and began to read. and read he did. the entire section. the girls were silent, intent on listening to the new voice that was speaking the same truth. i watched in wonder as my son took on the role his daddy has...with eagerness and confidence.

when he was finished alaythia decided she was also going to lead us. she instructed us on who would sing and when to sing. we were to pick our favorite song and sing it for each other. around the table we went, even little soph singing 'Jesus loves me'....'they weak, he be strong!' alaythia making up her own songs which are the truths of God sung back to him. isaiah drumming to the beat. daddy's voice cracking because he was overcome with emotion.

we moved to the living room to play a game. everyone involved, everyone happy, taking turns, mommy and daddy flirting, sophia adding her own rules as we went.

it was perfect. a rich, sweet, blessed time as a family...and i found myself thinking, 'maybe these really are the best days of my life'.

2012

it's the first day of a new year. you'd never know it if you just popped in on our house today. the same routine, the same events. a quick mention here or there on 2012, but for the most part it was business as usual.

yet tonight my heart is full. full of the past year and the hope of the next. life is mundane and rich. routine and unexpected. what the past held i could not predict. what the future holds i dare not dream.

but i'm grateful. grateful to be where i am. loving, living, learning, giving. and centered in the heart of a great God.