A-speak

it may sound like gibberish to you, but she's really talking. here's the dictionary in case you're in town:

goo : book
ma-ee : mommy
ma-ee nga nga nga : i want that (you have to thrust the tongue to get that sound)
whoo : moses
baa baa : grandpa
da-ee : daddy
sh : shoe
baa : ball
ash : ashley
ny ny : nite nite

options??

trinity has asked us to come as well. how strange to go from thinking you're going to have to alter life's plan to all of the sudden having options. we'll sit on it a few days....

deerfield, illinois or louisville, kentucky. amazing.

when isaiah went to the dentist today i couldn't make an appointment for 6 months from now...we'll be in one of those places by then.

the time has come

it's surreal really. and once you're not waiting anymore, you realize just how unique the waiting period is.

i was at the mailbox at 2 pm yesterday as i have been for a week now. i was with my parents...matt was at work. we were expecting trinity, we were not expecting southern. so i was shocked when i saw the envelope from southern. matt did not get home until a little after 3....so yes, i was with the letter - unopened - for over an hour before i knew what was inside. those of you that know me well, know what a feat that is. it's not to say i didn't try to read it...cause i did. but to no avail.

we opened and saw, 'i am pleased.' that's all we needed to read. i jumped on matt, shook him...we hugged. amazing. it wasn't until later that i began to cry.

tears of thankfulness. tears of gratitude. we needed this month, though i'd never want to relive it. we needed it to readjust our hearts, to get into the right spot.

i was convinced that we weren't even going to get the opportunity to go...now we do. i don't look to it with dread, i look to it with gratitude for the opportunity to even attempt it. i needed that heart adjustment. and i'm more grateful than i would have been had it not gone down in the way in which it did.

matt will call wheaton on monday to see if the spots have been accepted. and he'll call trinity for their answer since the letter has not arrived. things are not totally decided, but hey, we at least know we're going...it just depends where.

just in case you're wondering, southern is in louisville, kentucky.

the weather said it perfect

we woke up this morning to huge snowflakes falling. it was almost solid white. silent and peaceful. it did that for about 3 hours. then, amazingly enough, the sun came out. it was brilliant blue sky. looking outside you would have thought it was 90 degrees. it was in fact mid 30's. then as quickly as the sun came out, the sky turned dark. rain began to fall, harder, harder, then turned to hail. it was coming down so hard and fast, and the balls were so big you could see them bounce back up off the ground. it trickled off, the sky grew light and the sun came out. this cycle happed about 3 times.

even though i have not typed much about it, hearing from schools has been ever on my mind. it's always there...looming, this uncertainty. living in a helpless state of waiting. unable to move forward, unable to predict what the outcome might be. totally out of control.

i felt like the weather today described perfectly how these past months have been for me.

there are times when i feel like the snow. yeah, it's hard waiting, but there's something beautiful in it. it's a phase, it's only for a very specific amount of time. yes, it's spring, and there's not supposed to be snow now, but it's so unusual, you can't help but admire it. you make the most of the snow and you curl up by the fire. there's something sweet and unusual about being in this space.

then there are times when the sun comes out. when i have no problem trusting the Lord. trusting that he is in control. trusting his timing, his sovereignty. the sun and the brilliant blue blind my face and i'm filled with joy...enjoying it to the fullest. the outcome doesn't matter, it's the journey, it's walking it with him.

and there are times of rain. of being so tired of waiting. so tired of the uncertainty. so ready to have some chance to move -- no matter the direction. the waiting, sitting, not moving forward or to the side. just sitting. it's dark and hard. and like the rain, i grow tired of it.

and days like today, friday of the 4th week in march. the day i thought it would all be over...but it's not. still no word from anyone. and it feels like hail. coming down so hard. it hits my skin and bounces. i feel like i'm being crushed from it. like i can't get away. i have no where to run. nothing to do to put an end to it.

but just like today, the sun did come back out. i take my dive...and the Lord is faithful to pick me back up again. to go with me to the depths and gently remind me who i am...who he is. and even as type i feel the sun coming out again. and i'll continue to wait.

my legs are full

it's spring break for those in the academic world. so although wells fargo does not give 'spring breaks' we are still enjoying more time together as a family this week.

there's this diner that's on the corner of a street we pass by all the time. yesterday as we passed it for the umteenth time matt and i decided that we'd go there for breakfast this morning.

the kids woke up early and matt and i looked at each other to gage if we were still up for 'the plan'. matt and i are routine-heads. so anytime we get the slightest inclination to break out - i jump at it. so even though it meant one of us forfeited sleeping in...we dressed quickly and headed out the door.

i love going out to breakfast. something about the quietness of the restaurant. everyone is still waking up. drinking coffee that doesn't taste great, but it wakes you up. yeah, i love it...

isaiah asks me to make him french toast almost every morning. so the fact that he got to order french toast and bacon...well i'll tell ya, he thought he was in heaven. our food came and each plate was enough to feed 3 people. and i'm not exaggerating. it was fatty, greasy, huge portioned food. the kind that after you eat it you just want to go sleep it off.

we all ate to our heart's content. we were out, the four of us, breaking routine, the kids being happy and content themselves, being in a warm diner on a cold, early morning. yes, my heart was full. just as i was taking it all in isaiah finished his plate and stood up with a big sigh. 'my tummy is full....my legs are full....my whole body is full!'

i totally agree.

crash and burn

wondering why i haven't posted any pictures of easter? our desktop decided to crash and burn yesterday... so now that i've got my business saved i need to start to work on our family life. until i can find where the software for our camera is to download it onto matt's laptop....my words will have to do.

we had close to 50 people here for easter. the kids are all old enough now that we did an easter egg hunt. in the house of course for those of us that live in the northwest. it was a fantastic day of celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior.

i also hope to post pictures of the day before easter when isaiah and alaythia rode together in the bike trailer with grandpa pulling them around the neighborhood. their little helmets...alaythia squealing and grunting her approval...and the fact that when they were done she climbed back in and looked at grandpa like..'come on! let's go some more!'

all to come...hopefully.

dive bomb nap time

i should have known when i read the article in 'parents' magazine. the worst offenses of safety that you probably do in your house. i read it, knowing that a few of the things i did in fact do, but in my heart knowing that i had good reasons for it. feeling justified for it.

we're sick...surprise surprise. poor alaythia has the worst go of it because she can't get any medicated help. so we try to do all we can to help her...other ways. a couple nights ago we put a pillow under her crib mattress to help her with her coughing, we have a humidifier going non-stop.

it was a typical nap time with the kids going crazy. they talk, laugh, pound on the walls, the crib. i find an activity to do upstairs, then once an appropriate amount of time goes by, i go back in and calm them down. they fall to sleep.

yesterday i cleaned the bathroom, put all the laundry away...and i had been in the room 4 times with no sign of calming down. feeling frustrated i walked downstairs to continue in my nap time activities. thinking that they were just going to have to duke it out on their own.

that's when i heard isaiah's voice. 'mama!? mama!?' i hadn't experienced this yet, that knowing-something's-wrong-by-the-sound-of-your-child's-voice thing. i've seen my own mother, and other mothers' react to it, but not me. until yesterday. adrenaline hit and i flew up the stairs. i burst in to my kids room to find alaythia on all fours...on the rocking chair.

what a strange feeling to know your put your baby in their crib, and then see them outside of it...with no help from you.

per isaiah, apparently she went hands first, then head. at least she has the smarts to aim for the rocker. she is fearless...i've said it before. my dare devil daughter is giving me a run for my money. and needless to say she has no more pillow..or bumper pads...or stuffed animals.

belated birthday

we finally had our curious george party. isaiah is sure that his birthday is a never ending celebration! we had friends come over, and they brought their parents. we played games, although mommy was a little over-zealous regarding organized games at a 3 year old party...they just wanted to play.

but even though i planned and planned to make the party memorable...i think the event that will be remembered the most was tearing it all down. doug and haylee stayed later and so the 3 kids had a blast being destructive. the pictures are pretty priceless.

pictures of the party and the destruction are here.

first piggy

i was bald until i was 3. so i've been anxiously awaiting for alaythia's hair to grow...in the back of my mind thinking it never will. but the other night, she had put so much food in her hair that it felt like she had product in it. so i thought i'd give it a try...a try at giving her, her very first piggy! hey, it's at least a start!

the trickle effect

this morning, while i was still trying to wake up, isaiah barged into the room. 'mom, i need to do some emailing.' he said matter-of-factly. if i was more awake i'm sure i would have burst into laughter. instead i rolled over slowly, hung half my body off the bed and pushed the power button of the computer.

i thought for sure i had baffled him by actually facilitating this bizzare request. so to put the nail in the coffin i said, 'who do you need to email isaiah?' so sure that he would have no response.

'i need to email wheaton, duke and trinity.'

i was suddenly awake. 'oh?' 'yes, i need to email them and see if they want daddy to come or not.'

the somber reality now up in my face, so early in the morning. it's something we're all thinking about. we don't speak it very often. but it's the ever present force.... elephant.....weight.

i let him hit the keyboard and rolled completely out of bed. i was in the bathroom when i heard him typing and speaking, 'Jesus, please help wheaton, duke and trinity to want daddy...'

we may not be speaking it, but isaiah's picked it up, loud and clear.

pictures of our weekend

so even though this was a birthday card for auntie emily i had to take a picture...usually he scribbles on cards...this was the first time he wrote his name and you can actually read it.

uncle andrew came up this weekend to hang out and go snow boarding at mt. hood. we also took him to multnomah falls...uncle A and zay man.

all of us at the falls.

we went up to crown point to show andrew the view of the gorge.

i love this picture...something about how tall andrew is and how isaiah might be that tall one day. i love that isaiah only comes to his waist. i also love the way that isaiah has his arm looped around andrew's leg. you don't have to explain how isaiah feels about andrew...the body language in this candid shot tells it all.

while uncle andrew snow boarded we went sledding....yes, there is more, would you like to see them???

lift off

we've had company the past weekend and so matt and i were sleeping downstairs on the aerobed. i had stripped it of it's bedding but it was still half inflated. as i was putting away the groceries uninterupted i was hearing isaiah and alaythia playing in the other room. never did i imagine i would see what i did when i walked around the corner.

my fearless daughter was hanging half way off the bed. isaiah was poised on top of the slide. he had pushed it flush with the bed. she stared at him, motionless, awaiting his pounce. he screamed, jumped into the air and landed on the bed. on cue alaythia flew - entire body - into the air and landed again in the same position she left in. a quick moment of silence to make sure the other was okay, a bit of shock in there too i'm sure, and then they both erupted into laughter...

people, they are 3 and 1 and he's already launching her into the air...and even more scary...she likes it!

john 3:16

isaiah got to go back to school today after being gone for 2 weeks because of sickness. he was very hesitant this morning to go. but one look at his teacher and he decided that he'd go back. (she's fantastic by the way).

at lunch today i said, 'okay let's pray.' and began to pray. when we were finished isaiah said, 'john 3 :16, 'For God so loved the world that he gave his ONLY son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life.'

i sat there stunned. i'm ashamed to say that i've never tried to teach him that...never thought he could memorize something. but there he was, reciting the verse to me.

after asking him where in the world he learned that he said at school they pray before they have a snack and then recite john 3:16...

180

we've had a few days to just be. no huge stress, no life altering events. as i've had time to think, these are the ways i'm different than i was 2 weeks ago.

1 - for months now i've been psyching myself up for PhD work. it's going to be so oppressive, my husband will be gone, this is going to be hardest thing we've ever had to do. i've been working myself up into a frenzy. trying to prepare myself for this 'hell' that awaits me. but now...my attitude is different. how i feel about 3 or 4 years of PhD work - is different. if we get the opportunity to study for a PhD my heart will be filled with gratitude. i look forward to it now with a sense of thankfulness for the opportunity that could arise, not a sense of doom for what's to come.

2 - for months now we've had our plan. our steps. you've read about them here. step 1 -- down. step 2 -- down. all leading up to our ultimate goal, leaving to start PhD work in the fall. it's not to say that the goal has been bad. i believe it is what we're called to, but it's the way i've held on to it. i've held it in my hand, with my fist closed, knowing it would go down the way i had invisioned. and slowly but surely, in the last few weeks, the Lord has pried my fingers open. so that now, i'm standing with my hand open, palm up...admitting it's the Lord's plan for our life that i want. and now, i'm willing to be open to not being able to do things my way. i still get tempted to close my fist, but moment by moment i'm striving to keep it open.

3 - someone shared her story with me of how she was told that she could not have kids..and then had several failed permanent adoptions. the verse that she said she clung to was about delighting in the Lord and him giving you the desires of your heart. and it wasn't that she delighted in God in order to get children (she has 3 of her own now), but that her heart and desires became aligned with what God wanted for her. i want that. a different friend shared a verse that she held on to while her husband went through a grueling interview process, "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." Isaiah 26:3,4 yeah, that hasn't been me of late. but i want that too. i want my desire to be His desires, i want to be in perfect peace because my mind is stayed on YHWH, not on the circumstances around me.

i'm turned in a whole new direction now then i was 2 weeks ago. and while i don't want to live the 2 weeks over, i'm thankful to the Lord for revealing and showing himself to me through it.