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we've had a few days to just be. no huge stress, no life altering events. as i've had time to think, these are the ways i'm different than i was 2 weeks ago.

1 - for months now i've been psyching myself up for PhD work. it's going to be so oppressive, my husband will be gone, this is going to be hardest thing we've ever had to do. i've been working myself up into a frenzy. trying to prepare myself for this 'hell' that awaits me. but now...my attitude is different. how i feel about 3 or 4 years of PhD work - is different. if we get the opportunity to study for a PhD my heart will be filled with gratitude. i look forward to it now with a sense of thankfulness for the opportunity that could arise, not a sense of doom for what's to come.

2 - for months now we've had our plan. our steps. you've read about them here. step 1 -- down. step 2 -- down. all leading up to our ultimate goal, leaving to start PhD work in the fall. it's not to say that the goal has been bad. i believe it is what we're called to, but it's the way i've held on to it. i've held it in my hand, with my fist closed, knowing it would go down the way i had invisioned. and slowly but surely, in the last few weeks, the Lord has pried my fingers open. so that now, i'm standing with my hand open, palm up...admitting it's the Lord's plan for our life that i want. and now, i'm willing to be open to not being able to do things my way. i still get tempted to close my fist, but moment by moment i'm striving to keep it open.

3 - someone shared her story with me of how she was told that she could not have kids..and then had several failed permanent adoptions. the verse that she said she clung to was about delighting in the Lord and him giving you the desires of your heart. and it wasn't that she delighted in God in order to get children (she has 3 of her own now), but that her heart and desires became aligned with what God wanted for her. i want that. a different friend shared a verse that she held on to while her husband went through a grueling interview process, "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." Isaiah 26:3,4 yeah, that hasn't been me of late. but i want that too. i want my desire to be His desires, i want to be in perfect peace because my mind is stayed on YHWH, not on the circumstances around me.

i'm turned in a whole new direction now then i was 2 weeks ago. and while i don't want to live the 2 weeks over, i'm thankful to the Lord for revealing and showing himself to me through it.