jump

after five and half years of life the things i'd tell you i know, and have learned, about alaythia are:

-she marches to the beat of her own drum.  she is not swayed by what others think....at all.
-if she doesn't want to do something, she absolutely is not going to do it.  no matter what.
-she is SLOW to warm up.  be it people, a new experience, or a new task.  she may get there eventually, but you can bet it's gonna take a long long time and be on her own terms.

i know these things are great qualities.  i know that in the long run, they are qualities i want my daughter to have.  not care what other think of her, not do something unless she wants to, not be swayed into making a decision, to think it through and take her time.  but i'll be honest - raising a daughter with these qualities is not always easy. 

for all the struggle that these qualities have caused, i must admit that in the last 3 weeks, i have become completely taken with them.  completely fascinated in watching her - be true to herself.

she is deathly afraid of going underwater or being in the water without a floatie.  she was recently in swim lessons, and i watched her push herself like i have never seen her do before. and as a result, just yesterday, she decided she wanted to jump off the diving board into the deep end of the pool.  it was her idea and she went over and stood in line to let it be her turn.

there were about 10 kids using the board, going off in perfect rhythm.  parents were cheering their child on as each did a 'trick' as they jumped.  and then came alaythia.  her first time on it.  she walked to the end, her dad paddling below her.  she stood there.  waited.  bent her knees and stood back up.  she stood there for at least 5 minutes.  she didn't care what the other kids were thinking.  she didn't care how her dad was coaxing her.  she didn't care how long it took.  she stood and pondered.  she eventually walked back to the end of the diving board unable to jump.  but to my surprise, she didn't come to me in the shallow end,  she got back at the end of the long line of kids.  the rhythm started up again.  jumping, splashing, cheering.  then alaythia, slowly, quietly walks to the end.  she stands, unashamed, unaware of anyone else.  she tries yet again and is unable to jump.  as she decends the board, she again goes to the back of the line.  the third time proves to be the same scenario, except this time she comes to me instead of getting in line.

she lets all her pent up tears out and i'm telling her how hard she pushed, how much progress she made.  how it's okay, next time we come she can try again.  and through her sobs i hear her say, 'i want to do it so bad mom, but i'm so afraid'.  i tell her how she should be proud, her dad walks up fresh out of the deep end and tells her she has made huge strides.

and then, as if hit with a bolt, she pulls her head off my shoulder, stops crying, turns and walks back to the deep end and gets in line.  her dad and i stare at each other, completely at a loss, and he runs back to the deep end to get in.

she had made up her mind.  she was pushing herself.  she didn't care that she had been out there before, or that all the other kids were watching her.  she wanted to do it and wasn't going to be stopped by fear.  and she did it.  she walked to end, stood there for a few seconds...and jumped in.  i wish i could have recorded the uproarious cheering that went on by every single person in the pool area.

and i cried.  not because i was relived, not because i was proud.  but because i saw in her, in that moment, in my 5 year old daughter, everything i want to be.  not on others time tables, not swayed but what others might think of me.  not choosing to do something because someone wants me to, but because i want to.  i want to be able to think it through, weigh it, go slow.  and when i'm good and ready, and still very afraid, look my fear in the eye, decide it won't stop me.

and jump.