olivia jewel

i have been silent for a while. and to be honest i'm not sure how to proceed. even now, as i sit staring at the screen my eyes fill. it's all been so sacred, the whole experience filled with God, i almost don't want to mess with it. but i loved olivia, i love her mom, dad and grandmother and want to share...

we've been waiting for olivia to arrive for months, as most communities do when a baby is on the way. don't get me wrong, i am thrilled for friends when they get pregnant, i celebrate and support them how i can. but, if i'm honest, i don't really engage with the baby until i can see them with my eyes. but olivia was different.

early on i felt a deep love for olivia. i couldn't wait to kiss her cheeks, the anticipation of her arrival making me giddy at times. many times i imagined her black hair and could see, in my mind, her sitting with her mom and grandma who have the same dark hair. i remember watching her family go to the communion table one sunday morning. the three of them arm in arm, intense and focused. i cried tears of gratitude at the family that she was about to join. so strong, so together -- i believe that now more than ever.

on wednesday, after getting updates on the labor all day, i heard the news that olivia had died...

and this is where i'm not sure how to proceed. i will never be the same.



olivia has changed me. as was said at her memorial, it was a life well loved. many loved her deeply. i believe that was God given. placing her deep in our hearts even before we saw her face and hands, lips and puggy nose. God burned her into our hearts because he knew we wouldn't have much time. and i'm overjoyed to say that i did get to kiss her...and see her black hair. sweet, sweet girl. oh how deeply thankful i am that your parents allowed this privilege to me.

olivia's father's bravery and leadership inspires me. watching from a distance as he led his family. he encouraged them, urging them to not be afraid. he strengthened them, proclaiming that they would get through the tragedy. and he led in vulnerability, giving all of us the freedom to grieve and mourn the loss of his daughter. not being able to stay silent, proclaiming his trust in Christ to all those around him.

olivia's mother's courage gives me hope. enduring days of intense labor, delivering olivia with determination and strength, grieving deeply with each new person that walked into the room. walking further and further down the isle at the memorial, almost eager to embrace each person in attendance, welcoming those who had come to honor her daughter. courage in grieving olivia and hoping for the future. courage to trust God with the present and for what is to come. words fall so very short of my admiration and love.

olivia's grandmother's faith bolsters my own. the pain of loss deep as ever. the loss of a granddaughter, watching the pain of her own daughter, all the while searching for God, knowing he was the anchor in a severe storm. stepping out to buffer what she could. facing the cold world when all you want is for everything to stop. doing it with grace, with determination, with dignity. ever looking to the horizon for what God is doing. speaking his truth to all she comes in contact with. oh to trust Christ so surely.



and all of this because of the one who is far greater than any of us can imagine. the Father of mercy and God of all comfort. to him be the praise forever.