down to the bounce

after days and days of crying without being comforted, i believe we are stretched thinner than we ever have been before. i said last week we were hanging on by a thread. that thread feels like it's about to snap.

but today...today she smiled. not in her sleep, not because of gas, but a real look-you-in-the-eye smile. alaythia was holding her, she was locked on with daddy. and in typical fashion, mommy missed it. but she smiled. a bit of sophia came through today and i felt like maybe i might get to know this little girl someday.

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i bounce and sway, shush and hum. i stand in my bathroom with the fan going, sophia seems to like that better. alaythia pops her curly-haired head in the door, 'mommy? what you doing?' 'trying to put sophia to sleep. what are you doing?' she convinces me to come out to the living room where the boys are reading books, she take a detour into her bedroom and picks up her baby doll on the way. all of the sudden she's at my side. bouncing, swaying. our hips bump as we sway. (actually it's more like my hips hitting her head!)

my baby starts to fuss. i invite her to bring her baby into the bathroom with me. so the four of us head back in. i can barely see her face in the bottom of the mirror. i bounce, she bounces. i hum, she hums. i start to shush, she shushes. i can't help but look at my daughter. my daughter.

we're both standing in front of the mirror, she copies my every move. how many times have i been in this situation? but never as the mother. she catches my eye and we both smile. our noses scrunch up the same and our shushing sound changes. we laugh through our bouncing and breath at the same moment.

i'm struck with her beauty. with the fact that she's mine. i'm overwhelmed that she's taking all her cues from me. down to the bounce. my heart is full as i bounce one and watch one bounce her own baby doll.

then daddy comes in with her toothbrush, yes, even mommy's have to brush their teeth.