annual fall festival

last night we attended the seminary's fall family festival.  it was the 5th year we've attended.  5th year!!!  i dare say it is the most traditional thing in our family's life.  heck, we've been going every year since before sophia was born!  the first two years we were living at the seminary and walked up with all of our neighbors.  the first year we had no idea what to expect, and were so blown away by all that they had for us to do.  the second year a larger group of neighbors headed up as it was the 100th anniversary of the seminary and it was rumored to be a great time.  sky divers and fireworks shows did not dissappoint.

the third and fourth year we went with dear friends, who have since moved and are doing other things.  i spent a good part of last night remembering and thinking about all the families we have met in our time here that are no longer living near us. all the wonderful people who have now moved on and are scattered about the country.  mississippi, pennsylvania, vermont, illionois, indiana, georgia, arizona.  we could go anywhere in the U.S. and have someone to visit!

last night i looked forward to going just the 5 of us.  to holding matt's hand and watching our kids play.  from being pregnant, to pushing strollers, to not even going with a diaper, i anticipated it would be a freeing night to sit back and watch the kids play.

bounce houses and slides.  cotton candy and pony rides.  cowboy hats and funnel cake.  it was a great night.  and as we left, our sugared up kids thanked us profusely for taking them.

half way through the night the president addressed everyone, thanking everyone for coming.  he talked about why they throw such a bang up party every year.  part of the reason is solely for the kids.  to give them a good time in the hopes that when they think back to the 'time when mommy or daddy was in school' it will be filled with good memories.  remember it as a happy time.

i appreciated him saying that, but as i thought of my own kids, about their experience here in kentucky, i realized they would never think of it as 'the time daddy was in school'.  it's just their life.  for sophia and alaythia, all of their memories, all and the majority of their lives have been in kentucky.  and we have a great life here.  isaiah already laments the idea of leaving. 

maybe it was the extravagance of last night.  maybe it was the back drop of the beautiful buildings of southern seminary against the kentucky sky.  or maybe it was 5 years.  the tradition, the people, the familiarity.  if matt doesn't get me out of here soon...i just might stay.

jump

after five and half years of life the things i'd tell you i know, and have learned, about alaythia are:

-she marches to the beat of her own drum.  she is not swayed by what others think....at all.
-if she doesn't want to do something, she absolutely is not going to do it.  no matter what.
-she is SLOW to warm up.  be it people, a new experience, or a new task.  she may get there eventually, but you can bet it's gonna take a long long time and be on her own terms.

i know these things are great qualities.  i know that in the long run, they are qualities i want my daughter to have.  not care what other think of her, not do something unless she wants to, not be swayed into making a decision, to think it through and take her time.  but i'll be honest - raising a daughter with these qualities is not always easy. 

for all the struggle that these qualities have caused, i must admit that in the last 3 weeks, i have become completely taken with them.  completely fascinated in watching her - be true to herself.

she is deathly afraid of going underwater or being in the water without a floatie.  she was recently in swim lessons, and i watched her push herself like i have never seen her do before. and as a result, just yesterday, she decided she wanted to jump off the diving board into the deep end of the pool.  it was her idea and she went over and stood in line to let it be her turn.

there were about 10 kids using the board, going off in perfect rhythm.  parents were cheering their child on as each did a 'trick' as they jumped.  and then came alaythia.  her first time on it.  she walked to the end, her dad paddling below her.  she stood there.  waited.  bent her knees and stood back up.  she stood there for at least 5 minutes.  she didn't care what the other kids were thinking.  she didn't care how her dad was coaxing her.  she didn't care how long it took.  she stood and pondered.  she eventually walked back to the end of the diving board unable to jump.  but to my surprise, she didn't come to me in the shallow end,  she got back at the end of the long line of kids.  the rhythm started up again.  jumping, splashing, cheering.  then alaythia, slowly, quietly walks to the end.  she stands, unashamed, unaware of anyone else.  she tries yet again and is unable to jump.  as she decends the board, she again goes to the back of the line.  the third time proves to be the same scenario, except this time she comes to me instead of getting in line.

she lets all her pent up tears out and i'm telling her how hard she pushed, how much progress she made.  how it's okay, next time we come she can try again.  and through her sobs i hear her say, 'i want to do it so bad mom, but i'm so afraid'.  i tell her how she should be proud, her dad walks up fresh out of the deep end and tells her she has made huge strides.

and then, as if hit with a bolt, she pulls her head off my shoulder, stops crying, turns and walks back to the deep end and gets in line.  her dad and i stare at each other, completely at a loss, and he runs back to the deep end to get in.

she had made up her mind.  she was pushing herself.  she didn't care that she had been out there before, or that all the other kids were watching her.  she wanted to do it and wasn't going to be stopped by fear.  and she did it.  she walked to end, stood there for a few seconds...and jumped in.  i wish i could have recorded the uproarious cheering that went on by every single person in the pool area.

and i cried.  not because i was relived, not because i was proud.  but because i saw in her, in that moment, in my 5 year old daughter, everything i want to be.  not on others time tables, not swayed but what others might think of me.  not choosing to do something because someone wants me to, but because i want to.  i want to be able to think it through, weigh it, go slow.  and when i'm good and ready, and still very afraid, look my fear in the eye, decide it won't stop me.

and jump.

sleep

i should be in bed.  i should be asleep.  but i fell asleep on the couch earlier in the night as the boys were doing their draft for fantasy football and it was enough to keep me from falling asleep now.  just enough sleep to trick my body into thinking it needs to be up.

i lay down and my mind is racing.  the milestones passed, the family who is hurting, the friends who are mad, why did that person call?  and so i get up to return to a place to write it down.  somewhere i haven't been in months, but find myself wanting to come back to. 

my sweet alaythia started kindergarten last week.  the long awaited time when she too would get to go to school.  she was so ready, so happy.  in fact the second day of school she was completely dressed (shoes and all) by 6:15am.  i'm one of those people that processes before something happens.  the weeks leading up to a big event i'll spend hours and hours working through all my issues, every scenario.  and when the time comes i'm ready, i'm present, i've got it all worked through in my head.  but my life has not lent itself to that in the weeks leading up to alaythia's first day of school.  it's been hectic and i've only been able to thinking about the next most urgent mountain to climb.  and so that is why on the way to school that first morning i cried.  why after i walked her into class i cried.  why i continued to cry all day.  i was so happy and she was so ready.  but i was caught off guard.  i had to mourn a season of her life being over and rejoice at a new one beginning.  cry good tears of a rich full life that i lead.

our baby turned three a few weeks ago.  not a baby anymore, but as i like to whisper in her ear every so often, she'll always be my baby.  since february when every other sibling in the house got a birthday sophia has prayed and thanked God, each night at dinner, that she was going to have a birthday and that she was going to be three.  and boy i was not going to disappoint.  i wanted to do it up big and do it up right and celebrate sophia to the max.  it was her first birthday that she KNEW it was her birthday.  balloons and the color blue.  singing and facetime.  presents and friends.  she spent the day dancing through each event, giddy with all that surrounded her.  i cherish sophia, always have.  i soak up her everything because she'll be the last to do it.  and i'm so grateful for her.  on the morning we dropped matt, isaiah and alaythia off at school she held my hand as we walked out of the school and as i cried she did a happy dance that we were going to have a 'date day' all day long.  and she was a salve to my heart.  a gift and reminder of the sweet toddler girl i now get alone time with.

 life keeps happening, things keep moving forward.  and i'm grateful.  thankful.  these people that God has given me to live life with are really extra-ordinary!