night three

we're going on night three of isaiah not sleeping with his blankie.  i know, i probably shouldn't be posting for the world that at 7 and a half he still sleeps with a blankie.  but by the time he knows about this blog he'll be fine with it.  (hi isaiah!)

he's never taken his blankie places, he's never carried it around the house.  it stays in is bed, on his pillow.  and each night before bed he lays it out perfectly flat and centered and then lays his head down on it.  i haven't felt much need to 'wean' him off of it, because it's not a big deal, it's not something honestly that i think about at all...until a few nights ago.

it was time for bed and as has happened a thousand times before, he asked where it was.  and EVERY TIME for seven and half years, i've always been able to find it.  but three nights ago, i couldn't.  it was the perfect storm of sisters who had gotten on his bed that day and wrecked it to bits and a season and size change of clothes strewn ALL OVER the floor.  and so we looked, and we looked and couldn't find it. 

he was teary, we promised to keep looking and that surely we would be back in the room in a few minutes and have it for him.  but, we never did find it.  last night the same thing, ready for bed and oops!  where is blankie?  still nothing, he slept again, we promised to keep looking (and get all the clothes off the floor the next day).

so this afternoon i went back into the abyss to start putting my organized piles away.  and as i sorted i shook every piece of clothing knowing i would see the blue and white square blanket, with a yellow duck in the middle.  as i sorted, isaiah stayed in the room helping and picking up.  the closer i got to putting everything away, the more i started to panic.  and then, when i was sure, i said, 'well buddy, blankie isn't here either.'  he looked up at me, stared for a second and then said, 'don't worry mom, it's okay.  really, it is.  if i found it i would probably just let one of the girls sleep with it anyway.  i don't really need it anymore.'

and that's when the lump in my throat rose fast and my knees felt weak.  my little boy-man just told me that it really wasn't a big deal to have the blankie he has slept with every night of his his ENTIRE life.

he doesn't need it, but somewhere in me I still needed him to need it. 

there was no denying it, so i just spoke it straight.  i looked him in the eye and said, 'i'm going to cry.'  he asked me why and i told him it was a big boy thing, he was growing up, and it is catching me by surprise.  then i asked him to come and hug me and i kissed his head over and over and cried.  he was unphased, i was a wreck. 

tonight at bed he didn't even ask for it.  i wanted him to.  i waited for it.  but he never did.  i will find that blanket, i know i will.  but i guess instead of sneaking it back into his room, i'll tuck it away, making it an official keepsake of isaiah's childhood.