i'm sure you've seen 'the princess bride'. the pit of despair is where wesley is taken with the man that has the double chin that shakes when he talks.... extremely disturbing for a young girl.
anyway, the pit of despair is what i've come to call the time from when i lay down in bed, until i drift off to sleep. this time should be one where i can finally relax, mull over the day, talk with matt without interruption. and that's what it is. but once i relax and i have space to think about the day...that's when i start the downward spiral into the pit.
'i shouldn't have said that to isaiah.' 'i should have done this when he asked.' 'i didn't look at alaythia's face enough today, tomorrow she'll be bigger.' 'the house is such a mess, i can never get caught up.' 'i suck at this thing called motherhood.' 'i suck even more as a home maker.'
and so it goes until i fall asleep. sometimes i say things out loud, so to take them out of the darkness and try to have matt speak light into it. (cause i know i'm tired, and trying to solve the world's problems, or even my own problems, that late at night is not a good idea.) and he does speak light, but the pit often times has already sucked me down so far that the lights is just a faint speckle.
my own mother has often said that she did the same thing as a young mother. and now, she matter-of-factly looks me in the eye and says, 'you know that does no good.' but still, i go there, just about every night.
so many of my other mom-friends, that are in the throws of raising young kids, feel the same way. we long to be away, to have some time to ourselves, we get away and then feel guilty about it. we choose to stay home and give our lives to our children, but still we're not doing enough. how do we, how do i, let the gospel reach into the pit and redeem this? how do i live the gospel despite this thick guilt that seems to consume me? how can i stop the tape that runs in my head and replace it with truth?
i obviously don't have it totally figured out. but for today what i want is grace. over and over again i must remind myself -- grace. today i want to cling to it. the fact that apart my Savior i'm bound for the pit....in more ways than one.
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5 comments:
guilt or grace...I'm going to do my best to choose God's grace today. I almost forgot that's what He wants me to choose.
The guilt just adds up, especially this time of year. I just have to think that we can't be everything to our kids - it's not our job, it's God's job.
I see little cracks in my kids, and as they get bigger, I wonder if the hurts and weaknesses will stay with them forever. Some will.
I don't think there's any way around, and it's those very areas that will bring them closer to God someday, make them yearn for something more.
That said, I think you are a fabulous Mom.
I don't know if that helps, but I'm praying for grace.
I have the cure: Go on an outing to the mall...not because shopping will make you feel better, but because you can see how all of Isaiah and Alaythia's peers are being raised, and you'll see that no matter what you do to them you'll never be as bad as the other parents you will see, and compared to their peers your children will always be well adjusted. It's especially obvious this time of year. It is also abundantly evident at the pediatrician's office, I just don't recommend it because it's full of germs.
Now that my wisdom is given, I'll go wallow in my own guilt over why my son has to resort to misbehaving to get my attention.
beautiful, nattie. even with teenagers, the pit still calls me down. a friend of mine often reminds me that what our kids really need is the "good enough" mom, because the perfect mom is an illusion, and trying so hard to be one will just stress everybody out. three cheers for grace!
Natalie,
I'm with Julie. My daughter is 31 and I still have those thoughts.
Thinking back and realizing that I was at more times than I care to count the mother I never wanted to be. Do I strike the balance of being the mother that your adult children want? But like spouses, we aren't called to be their everything....Jesus is. Praying that you and all of us mothers would choose truth and grace when confronted with the pit. I've seen for myself the kind of mother you are and it is not one that needs to respond to the call of the pit.
Bev
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