the weather said it perfect

we woke up this morning to huge snowflakes falling. it was almost solid white. silent and peaceful. it did that for about 3 hours. then, amazingly enough, the sun came out. it was brilliant blue sky. looking outside you would have thought it was 90 degrees. it was in fact mid 30's. then as quickly as the sun came out, the sky turned dark. rain began to fall, harder, harder, then turned to hail. it was coming down so hard and fast, and the balls were so big you could see them bounce back up off the ground. it trickled off, the sky grew light and the sun came out. this cycle happed about 3 times.

even though i have not typed much about it, hearing from schools has been ever on my mind. it's always there...looming, this uncertainty. living in a helpless state of waiting. unable to move forward, unable to predict what the outcome might be. totally out of control.

i felt like the weather today described perfectly how these past months have been for me.

there are times when i feel like the snow. yeah, it's hard waiting, but there's something beautiful in it. it's a phase, it's only for a very specific amount of time. yes, it's spring, and there's not supposed to be snow now, but it's so unusual, you can't help but admire it. you make the most of the snow and you curl up by the fire. there's something sweet and unusual about being in this space.

then there are times when the sun comes out. when i have no problem trusting the Lord. trusting that he is in control. trusting his timing, his sovereignty. the sun and the brilliant blue blind my face and i'm filled with joy...enjoying it to the fullest. the outcome doesn't matter, it's the journey, it's walking it with him.

and there are times of rain. of being so tired of waiting. so tired of the uncertainty. so ready to have some chance to move -- no matter the direction. the waiting, sitting, not moving forward or to the side. just sitting. it's dark and hard. and like the rain, i grow tired of it.

and days like today, friday of the 4th week in march. the day i thought it would all be over...but it's not. still no word from anyone. and it feels like hail. coming down so hard. it hits my skin and bounces. i feel like i'm being crushed from it. like i can't get away. i have no where to run. nothing to do to put an end to it.

but just like today, the sun did come back out. i take my dive...and the Lord is faithful to pick me back up again. to go with me to the depths and gently remind me who i am...who he is. and even as type i feel the sun coming out again. and i'll continue to wait.