it's understandable. i have every reason. but it pops out at the most unexpected times. i'll burst into tears over uneven hole punches or a mailed package that wasn't done the most efficiently. it's just bubbling at the surface, waiting for something to cause a little crack and then some comes gushing out - uncontrollably gushing out. my poor husband.
it's isaiah starting kindergarten tomorrow. being gone, in his little uniform with his backpack and lunch box. i'll get to walk him into class...and then say goodbye.
it's that i have to teach isaiah kindergarten on wednesday. i can't even imagine how in my already full day i'll ever feel like, 'okay, it's time to do school.'
it's that i don't have a baby in the house anymore. she turned one. and i wasn't ready. i'm no longer in the child bearing years, i'm not even in the baby years anymore. my life is changing. i'm getting older.
it's that i'm weaning sophia. weaning is always hard, regardless of how ready you both are. and she's my last. which makes it harder. but she seems okay, and i am too most times. but at night, in the quiet, when i have time to think...
it's that i said goodbye to one of my best friends last week. she single-handedly made louisville home. and as she and her family spent their last night in louisville spread out on aerobeds in my house, i was acutely reminded of how much she will be missed. as i waved goodbye at 6am the next morning, talking normally about lack of sleep and children, it didn't seem real that she was moving away. but it does now. i miss her. and i still haven't had time to have a good cry about it.
it's that my life has been marked with moving, making great friendships and then saying goodbye. and i'm tired of it.
it's the prospect of what the fall holds. what needs to be accomplished in these next few weeks.
and so, it comes. emotional outbursts about random dumb things. because there is so much else going on inside. as the dishes get done, and the laundry gets put away. as i hem pants and iron shirts -- and try to process my life.
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2 comments:
I think keeping your hands busy helps along the way.
I'll that in mind.
oh nat...i don't know which part of this post hit me the hardest, isaiah going to kindergarten or your friend moving away.
i have such a vivid memory of saying goodbye to you in your little condo in la mirada. of you and me, hugging and sobbing, our husbands helplessly looking on. i look forward to the day when you won't have to keep leaving and being left by the people you most love. hopefully that time will come soon.
p.s. if you don't post a picture of the zay-man with his little uniform, backback and lunchbox i will never speak to you again.
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