my daughters

recently i have been deeply convicted that i have been failing my daughters.

i grew up in a home where i heard my father praise my mother for the job she was doing. i heard him speak to the value of all her hard work - in the home. and i know, as a result, i knew homemaking was my calling. it was what i aspired to. it's what i grew up valuing and longing for. if you've ever spent any amount of time with me i'm sure you've heard me spout off about it. i believe strongly in it's virtue and value and am quick to give my reasons.

but i've realized recently that i have been failing to pass this on to my own daughters. my own daughters! the future mothers that are living in my home at this very moment. what in the world have i been doing to instill these things that i value, into them?

it's confession time. if i'm honest, in the recent months, i have not been taking joy in my job. i have not found joy in the laundry, in picking up the playroom for the MILLIONTH time. in grocery shopping or scrubbing toilets. i do it, but i don't do it with a happy heart. i had become resentful and irritated. and naively thought that it didn't matter. that as long as it was done, i was doing my duty. duty hear it?... but i realized that my girls are watching! they see (and hear) me complain. they observe my feelings about the whole thing. and they are drawing their own conclusions.

it was shocking for me to realize this. because i DO love being home with my kids. sure it's hard and mind numbing at times. when you're in the trenches it is hard to see anything else but all the walls built up around you. but the reality is i would not do anything else! i would not! and it took stepping back out of it all for a minute (and being kicked in the butt by rachel jankovic) to be reminded of the joy. the true and real joy that comes in laying your life down JOYFULLY for someone else. there is joy there. storehouses full. but it must be a laying down of your entire life. you can't hold any piece of it back. because that one piece can build into resentment, in self entitlement. and suddenly the thing you once longed for and loved has become a burden that you try desperately to shake.

i want my girls (and my son) to know that i love what i do. i don't want to try to fake it so that they think i do. i want them to see and know and experience that i truly do love it - because i do. sure i wish they'd pick up their toys and hit the toilet more often than not... but the reality is, it's my job. it's what i've given my life to. it's what i want to do. and i hope with all my heart that one day my girls will too.

second, i realized that they are reaching an age where i need to start inviting them into my joy of homemaking. the love of taking care of others. it's already there in them. i don't have to muster it up or force it on them. i just need to take the time to encourage what is naturally manifesting itself in their hearts.

alaythia LOVES to cook, but i hate to let her do it. it takes twice the amount of time and makes double the mess. but she wants to do it. she wants to cook and set it on the table and tell everyone that she made it for them - that she is caring for them. she wants to fold the laundry and mop the floor. and i need to let her - and show her - how to do it. invite her into the homemaking that she already desires to do. the things she chooses to do, the things she finds joy in.

sophia loves her baby dolls. she feeds them, pushes them around, sings to them and sleeps with them. she's a little mini mama. just the other day i found her in the play room alone wrapping a baby up in a blanket and putting it gently in the bassinet. i want and need to do all i can to encourage this in her. and never, never squelch that desire in her.

i've talked and spouted my opinions long enough. now it is my turn, my chance. to form and grow up two future mothers. serve them joyfully, teach them patiently, love them fully and lay my life down for them. all in hopes that one day, they in turn will do the same.