where to put it all

oh the thoughts. my brain just won't shut off. all the thinking, all the processing, all the preparations. one night i told matt, i just need to go to bed so that my brain will shut off... then when i woke up to roll over at 3:30, i suddenly was wide awake, unable to fall back asleep. my brain kicked into high gear again.

some of the things rolling around in my head...

I'M GOING TO HAVE A NEWBORN IN 2.5 DAYS! it is still shocking to me. don't ask me how, it just is. soon i will see little sophia. the name won't be so mysterious. i will see who will bear the name. will she look like her siblings? will she be healthy? will she be dark haired, or will she posses the random, yet long awaited, red hair? i'm ready. ready to have her on me all the time, ready to feed her and comfort her and breath in her sweet smell. ready to slow life down, be calm, enjoy her. but to get to her, i have to do this scary thing.

c-sections are just plain weird. having a day and time. it so....messes with your brain. it's been a battle. as i was telling some earlier this week, i think most women that have c-sections mourn. the thing you have thought about doing, what you are made to do as a woman, you weren't allowed, or couldn't do. there's a sense of mourning in that. but earlier this week that mourning turned to anger as my fear and anxiety of the actual surgery took over. as i laid in bed and sobbed i suddenly found myself pissed. angry that this is my lot. that i have no choice. it didn't feel fair. i felt defeated, scared and trapped.

i shared how i was feeling with a few, they spoke in with truth and the fighter in me emerged. i claimed a verse that i've been chanting in my head all week when i feel the anxiety come. and i look to the day with resolve. yes, it sucks that this is how my birthing experiences are. it's not how i ever would have chosen to do it, but i will make the most of it. i will push my womanly fortitude as far as it possibly can go. i will look to it with joy, not fear... (can you hear 'eye of the tiger'?)

...because this is most likely the last time i will do this. and that freaks me out too. i have looked, with anticipation, for most of my life to being pregnant and having children. it has always been a deep desire of mine. and while i am SO UNCOMFORTABLE. and SO DONE. there is a part of me that thinks 'i only have 2.5 days left of ever being pregnant!' soon, i will be done with my child bearing years. how in the heck am i on THIS side of things? you don't imagine being done. you imagine doing it, wonder what it will be like, look to the day when it will be your turn. you don't think about it being done. but my turn is done. i get that it's my choice, i've always felt that i could only be responsible for 3 souls. but still, it's an ending. and i'm not sure where to place it.

and yet, while this thought is disturbing to me, it has been a blessing. despite the uncomfortability and the pain, i have been enjoying these last days of pregnancy. trying to savor them and burn them into my mind.