in this moment

motherhood is a strange thing. you would think it would be pretty straight forward, pretty standard since it is so common. yet, as i continue on in this endeavor, i'm constantly learning and changing. growing and stretching. realizing that it's a complicated thing.

i grew up hearing the praise of my mother. praise of her sacrifice, her care, her time. she stayed home with us all during our growing up years. i heard of the importance and i heard her choices honored time and time again. it never really occurred to me to be anything different than a stay at home mom. it's what i gave lip service to my entire life. to that goal, to that desire. at the time i would not have told you it was lip service. i would have said it was my greatest desire, it was the highest calling. but it wasn't until a few months ago that what i had given lip service to all my life, and what i was doing, penetrated my heart.


two kids rocked me. the transition, the time, the effort. it was consuming all my thoughts, all my time, energy and emotional reserves. the routine, the monotony, mind numbing at times. i began to resent the life i was leading. i wondered how i had gotten here, baffled at what my life was. how was i going to get out? how could i continue on in this?

i was talking with someone about my struggle. the simplest thing was said, something i had heard a million times before. but it came at a different angle, or i was in the right place to allow it to penetrate from what i knew in my head to what i believed in my heart.

'raising kids, giving your life to your kids, is the hardest thing you will ever have to do.'

giving my life to my kids. and that's what it is. it wasn't them taking it from me, i realized i wanted to give it to them. and it will take all my time, all my energy, all my emotions, my spiritual reserve - my whole life - to raise these kids. it's what my entire life should be about (apart from knowing God). i shouldn't have an abundance of time. that's what my life will be, what it is. being given to two other people. and at that moment i knew there was nothing more i wanted to do. to give my life for my kids. to sacrifice and expend all that i have to grow them to be worshippers of God. to help them achieve all that God intended. giving my life for others...what God has called us all to. and i was happy and ready to do it.

the idea is true. the truth resonates within me. but at the same time, how romantic.

the routine comes back. the daily grind. the discipline, the hurt, the exhaustion. and i forget that what i want is to give my life to my kids. i want some time to myself. i'm tired, i'm at my end. i want just a little quiet time. i forget that it's supposed to take all of what i have and then some. i get selfish, irritated, ticked quite frankly. it's a constant struggle to die to myself. and i don't do it well.

so yesterday i was described by someone as 'being the mother of two beautiful children'. instead of being overjoyed in that, i was offended. i thought to myself 'there's so much more to me. is that really all you think of me? there are so many other things that could define me. so many other accomplishments you could list about me. you really don't value all that i am. i don't want to be defined by that!'

i know......prideful. but if i'm honest, that's what i was thinking. i couldn't shake it. kept mulling it over and over today.

then it hit me. it was the highest compliment i could ever be paid. i give my life to those kids. they are what all my time and energy go into. what i give my life to. yes, there are other things i have done, other things i could do, but none more important than them.

suddenly 'being the mother of two beautiful children' was more than i could have asked for. and God has gently pulled me back to himself, back to reality. and for now my struggle seems easy, the road set before me once again clear. i'm thankful for the reality check, knowing i will fall into selfishness again. but in this moment motherhood doesn't seem so strange. it seems like the most natural, God given act that i can be in involved in. and i'm so grateful.